I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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