I cannot find my penis.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
