he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
