going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
She needs sedatives and a leash
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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