I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
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