Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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