Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I am naked and annoyed.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
