i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Randomize
