I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Rumble strips road head = magical
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
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So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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