Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
