I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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