I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
