also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize
