It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
