Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Who died my cat blue again?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
