I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
