Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
It's official drugs can't kill me
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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