On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
