she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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