Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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