we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
