Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
it glows. i had to have it.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
