I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
