Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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