Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
