I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
