hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
