Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
