I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
