Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
