Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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