Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
