I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
