phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
