Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
