I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
