The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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