No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
