I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
i've created a new STD.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
