why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize