You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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