I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
