She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
