I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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