batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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