On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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