Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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