Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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