Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
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