i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
