New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
