I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
