I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
