you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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