you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
