How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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