My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Randomize
