New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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