every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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