Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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