My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
