Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
