Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Randomize
